Thursday, August 6, 2009

Trying to Heal...

So lately I have been trying to accept that things are over and try and move on with my life...however...everyday people come to me with new information that I've never known which then in turn just results in me being hurt over and over again...making it hard for me to try and move on because then I start to dwell on and re-hash the past. I just can't fathom or even try to imagine how one person could be capable of hurting me so much as he has done. Everything that could possibly happen or go wrong in a relationship has happened with me. I've experienced a lot in the past four years and even though the relationship was not was still four, almost five long years of my life...and it just kills me to think about how it ended and how I have to accept that he does not care. He is perfectly fine with me leaving his life and ending a long relationship. So I guess what hurts me the most is that a person can just allow someone who used to mean so much to them to just walk questions asked. I mean if he did not care about me...why did he continue to stay in a long term relationship with me? Why did he ask me to marry him and buy me an engagement ring? Why did he try to get me to stay all the other times that I tried to walk away? What was he holding on to if he is able to say now that he is happy that it is over and is able to move on so quickly? I have so many questions and things that I would love to know....but they will probably never be answered. He does not want to talk and prefers to ignore the fact that I still even exist on this earth.
I was finally able to move everything out of the apartment this past Saturday. It felt both good and bad...good because it meant that I was trying to move on with my life and leaving something bad behind....but bad because I had to leave something that once meant the world to me....I had to leave it behind. I ran into him a couple of times at the apartment because he was then when he was supposed to be working. He did not say much of anything to me and the one day asked if I could come back another time because he did not want to see me. Every time I walked into the apartment...all the bad memories would come back to me and I would start crying...just knowing how much he hurt me and all the bad things that happened there. I've actually been spending a lot of my time crying lately...I don't know why, but I guess its my way of letting everything out. I guess I'm purging my body of all the negative emotions. The crazy thing is though...I can honestly say that I do not miss him....what I miss is having someone there. Even though he was not actually present most of the times because he was drunk or passed out or messed up off of something...but there was always someone there with me. Sounds odd I know...but its the truth. I do not miss him because I've come to realize that I did not like anything about the person that he turned into and I tried to spend so much time trying to change him back into the person that he was that I was blinding all of my emotions and feelings because I felt as though being there for him and helping him return to his normal self was something that I had to do. I felt obliged to do it because I was in a relationship with him. I guess I lost feelings for him awhile ago, but I felt as though it were my job and responsibility to get him better...even though it did not work. I felt as though if I were to leave that it would mean that I was giving up on him and that is not something that I do to people. I'm not the kind of person to walk away from a situation when things turn sour...but I feel that I should have in this situation because it was affecting me both physically and emotionally.
I am still so shocked though...he has moved on and is hanging out with some other girl...does not want to talk to me...and is happy that WE are over. I just have to keep repeating these things to myself so that I can stop dwelling and move forward. I know that I have been happier in the past two weeks not living with him or being with him than I have been in long time...even with all of the tears and emotional damage. I guess I'm just upset because the hurt keeps coming back and reminding me everyday...even if it is someone else telling me something new or I find out something else...I guess if I wanted to look at it in a positive light...I could be finding all of this out now as a way of preventing me from returning or trying to make the relationship work again...even though I know that I do not want it to ever work has been damaged to the point of it not being fixable. I just have to get over it...but lately I have also been wondering....after all this damage and hurt and loss of trust...will I ever be able to trust anyone else...ever again? Right now I'm high doubting it...


  1. It sucks to be sad about being alone but you will be happier in the long run. And when people want to tell you stuff even though you REALLY want to know just tell them its over and done with and you would rather not hear it and thank them for not telling you before to save you from further madness
    !!! Hang in there =D

  2. I know this is such a different and emotionally challenging time and it looks like it will never end but it will.
    I just hope that you are taking the time to take care of yourself and forget about him and everything his done. This can be your time to really feel the freedom that you now have. It's so hard not to ask questions and ask why this is happening but as time goes on I know you will start to really heal.
    I hope you will learn to trust again as you are still young. Maybe not right away but give yourself time. As much as you need.
    I'm always here to listen (or read) if you need it! *hugs*

  3. New to your blog and sorry to hear about your break up. It sucks. And with break ups, I reckon you always remember the good times initially and forget all the pain and the cracks that existed...particularly in a long term relationship. But it gets better. Slowly. Just don't isolate yourself. See friends. It may take 3 to 6 months...but it is for the better. After what you've said, you seem to deserve better. Good luck!