Saturday, August 15, 2009


So I hate to keep blogging about this ended relationship...but as of right is the only thing on my mind...until school starts back up again...I am stuck dwelling on everything. It is not that I am choosing to sit around and is just that unless I am doing something every minute of the day...I do start what am I dwelling on? Well believe it or not...I'm stuck thinking about all of the good times that we had...then as I'm dwelling on those memories...I start to question my actions and second guess myself. Like did I do the right thing by ending it? Should I have continued to stay in the relationship? Should I still be standing by his side...trying to protect him and help him make the right decision? What should I have done? These among a whole list of other things have been running through my head constantly...and I'm not sure why. Does this mean something? Or is this a normal part of breaking or ending a toxic relationship? He was my first love and we started dating our senior year of high school and have been together ever it is not like I have anything else to go off of. addition to all of my lingering thoughts, I've been seeking out people to talk to and ask about what they think about my actions. So far everyone has told me that it was a good idea to end things and that I should move on and find something better because it is what I deserve, but then someone who was in a similar situation has told me that I need to be there for him and stand by his side. Is that what I should do? The only different circumstances are that she was pregnant with his is that why she stood by his side? If you have kids does it make the circumstances different? Or are they the same all across the board? I know that I should feel confident with my decision, knowing that I will be moving on...but I'm not...I'm wondering if I did the right thing? To try and cope with these thoughts I would question myself but then be like no...he cheated on you and was hiding things and telling lies...why would you want to be with someone like that? I have to keep telling myself that right? I guess I'm just wondering if I should have gotten over the cheating and lies and stayed with him to be by his side...only because you hear about other relationships working out even after someone cheated on the when should you stay and work on it and when should you leave? I know I am only thinking about all of this stuff because after the relationship ended I all of a sudden had an abundance of time on my hands because I no longer had obligations. I didn't have to rush home to see if he was okay and still alive...I didn't have to constantly text or call him to see where he was or what he was doing....I didn't have to make sure that he was headed down the right path...after the relationship I ended I realized exactly how much time I spent on all of the worry and questioning. I could have been using all of that time in a different manner but because I loved him...I chose to spend it worrying about him. Whether that was right or wrong...I did it. Do I have regrets or resentments? I would have to say yes as of right now....I feel like those past four almost five years were spent wasted on some relationship that I'm now thinking wasn't ever valid. Yes we were gloriously in love in the beginning...but then he fell hard and chose this path of lies and addictions and was no longer that same person that I fell in love with so many years ago. Why did I stay and not get out sooner? can make you do crazy things....but LOVE IS BLIND. Not until now did I ever notice how much damage he was doing to me and how much I hurt emotionally and how cold I had turned towards him. Even after everything that has happened....I do miss the relationship and I wonder if I will find the right person. And I know that there isn't a time line for this needs to happen at this age and then this at that age...but to be completely honest...I feel like I am behind right now. I was in a relationship for four years and was engaged to be married to the man...and now I have boyfriend...Is that crazy to think like that? Sounds crazy but that is how I am thinking...

1 comment:

  1. Ohhh! Please don't second guess your decision to end it because it does sound as though it was a toxic relationship. I don't think you deserved what has happened to you and maybe it's better if you focus on trying to heal yourself? Maybe over time you can go back and reflect on things but at the moment it's still too new.
    I mean I can't really go from experience but I know when my first bf and I broke up I took awhile to get over it but what helped was not dwelling on it. I stopped thinking about it, about him about everything that happened and I stopped being in contact with him.
    For me that helped, but of course your situation is different so I'm not sure what is best for you.
    I truly hope you don't feel like your behind or feel bad about anything. *hug*