Friday, September 11, 2009
Now I See...
Sorry about the very long delay....I haven't posted in just about a month...crazy but good times lately...and I am so happy to say that I am doing so much better. School started back up in full swing on August 24th and it is my last year as a Nursing Student! I am officially a College Senior! Feels so amazing to say that and think of how much I have been able to accomplish! Not to mention everything that I have experienced and this May...I will be an RN! Feels incredibly amazing!
But on a different note...I must comment about everything else that has been going on. I feel a thousand times better and I am now able to see that everything does happen for a reason. There for awhile...I was so upset about the whole break-up and down on myself and questioning everything and blaming myself. Now I am not saying in anyway that I am perfect or that I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship...because I most definitely did...but I can honestly say that right now...I am happier than I have been in the past three or four years. No, I did not ever think that I would have been able to say that...but it is indeed true. I feel so much better...happier...any word that can describe happiness and enjoyment. I feel blissfully free and to be honest I feel that it is because I am able to focus on myself again. Sounds selfish I know...and I thought about it...but it is so true. For the past however many years...I focused all of my time, strength, energy and compassion on Chuck...I gave up everything for him and put my all into him...thinking that it was the same thing as putting my "all" into the relationship but it definitely wasn't and only now do I realize that. A relationship is supposed to be equal in the give and take department and in mine...it wasn't. He took everything from me and left me with nothing when all is said and done. Does that mean he is a bad person? No...just that there are a lot of things that he needs to work on in life.
Since the break-up...I find that I have soooo much extra time and then I started thinking about it and realized how much time I spent arguing with him and chasing him and making sure that I knew that what he was doing was the right thing...I forgot all about myself and what Alicia needed. I find that I am getting my self-esteem back and doing the things that I once loved so much...but gave up. Is that his fault? No it is not...because I was the one who let it all happen and gave up everything...but it still was a realization that I had to make. I have all this time now and I am filling it with activities that make me happy and are for the benefit of me. I now have time to completely indulge myself in my studies and make my senior year an amazing one! I now have time again to frolic and be free to do whatever I want whenever I want. I no longer have to rush home to check on him...I now come home when I want to and hang out with friends and spend hours shopping at the mall or getting a pedicure or whatever comes to my mind.
Also, it may sound so odd...or maybe I just never saw all of it before...but I feel as though a lot of positive things have been coming my way...like serendipity...I know it sounds crazy...but I just feel that a lot of good things have been happening and I have been so much happier. It is such a great feeling!
Now...is this all to say that I am completely healed? No...definitely not...it still hurts quite a bit...but instead of focusing all of my energy on something that ended...I've been focusing on moving on and forward with my life...instead of dwelling on what could have been. Sometimes I find something sitting around thinking about him...but then I stop myself and think about something else. There is no use spending anymore time thinking about him when it is perfectly clear that he is not thinking about me. I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to move forward. I'm not sure as to when I will be healed...but I would never put a time frame on it...but I just keep reassuring myself that I will indeed heal....it can't rain forever...right?