HeartBroken...

So this past year has been very rough for me...with school...problems with life and my boyfriend. After many failed attempts...my boyfriend of 4 years and I had decided to give our relationship another shot because we had been together for so long...we felt that we should be able to work together and I BELIEVED him. He has had ups and downs with drugs, alcohol and identity issues but always supplied me with false promises of getting better and finding out who he really is and in the end...making our relationship better and what it used to be. However....after many lies...late nights of crying and yelling and not knowing where he was or what he was doing...IT IS OVER...once and for all...completely DONE. He broke my heart one too many times and to be completely honest...you can only waste so many tears on one person. He is no longer the person I was once dating and has not been for a very long time. He has took a turn for the worst and has ruined our relationship and brought the worst of me out. I have given my all in the relationship...always trying to hold it together and give him just one more chance so that maybe this will be the time that it works...but I can't do it anymore. Not only that...but how can a person continue to stay with someone when they no longer trust that person AT ALL! I have lost all trust in him and don't believe a word that has come out of his mouth for years. He has lied and hid stuff from me all the time and I continued to be the fool and stay. It should not be a common thing for a person to delete calls and texts from their cell phones with the hopes of hiding them or keeping them from another person...this however was my life...but I was on the receiving end. I was too blind...well maybe not...I guess maybe I didn't want to realize what he did to me or how many times he hurt me or the person that he brought out in me. I was so fun and carefree...but he turned me into a paranoid and controlling person because I felt that I had to know where he was at all times and know what he was doing...even though it didn't do a thing to help anything because he still did whatever he wanted and all along I was just wasting my precious time doing it. I would have to say though that out of everything that he has done to me...the information that I found out tonight was the most heartbreaking and painful information that I could ever find out...HE CHEATED ON ME. I have no idea as to how anyone could do such a thing to a person...but he did. I was on vacation last week with my sisters in Virginia...enjoying myself of course...with him texting me and calling me...acting like everything is normal. However...I came home on a Thursday night to a drunk Chuck...slurring his words and running into curbs and mailboxes...thinking that was bad enough...he did the same thing Friday night but got into a fight and got a bloody nose amd black eye...so why am I leading up to this point? Well because yet again he promised me the stars and said that WE would work out and then was all lovey-dovey with me all week...only to find out tonight that while I was on vacation...he got drunk and slept with some slutty, loser girl who lives upstairs in the apartment building...but then proceeded to not tell me and continue to text me the next day and act as if nothing happened. So you might be wondering how I found out? Well that is one crazy story...as is the rest of my life...So I come home from work tonight and start to make dinner as Chuck is at his AA meeting and everything is going smooth and he is acting completely normal. But then he gets a phone call to his phone and then all of a sudden a pound at the door is heard. So he goes to answer it and it is the girl that he slept with (but I don't know at the time) and she is yelling and cursing and telling Chuck that his life is over and I am completely lost...and then all of sudden she says "Yeah he cheated on you with me and he said that he doesn't wanna be with you anymore! Oh yeah and we fucked right then and there". I was just completely lost and clueless and astonished. I didn't want to believe it, but there it was...staring me right in the face...so then I ask Chuck and he is at first like "I don't know what she is talking about" and I knew right then and there that he was lying right to my face for the millionth time. He then just said that it was a mistake but didn't show any remorse at all. I then said it was over and that I never wanted to speak to him ever again and asked if he cared and all he had to say was that he "felt relieved" that it was over because all he hears from me is "bitching and complaining" and that just about killed me. How a person who I have stood by and protected and helped through everything could simply say that about someone that he has been together with for almost 5 years...I just felt like the whole thing was crazy and all a bad dream...but its not...it is very real and very heartbreaking...

So you may be wondering as to why I am sharing this here on my blog? Well that is because I will no longer allow myself to be treated that way ever again. I will not be lied to or cheated on or taken advantage of or badmouthed...I will not accept it anymore and refuse to let anyone else in my life who will do that. Yes this will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever do...but it has to be done...I have lost so much...respect for myself and self-esteem and self-worth...I am not the same person that I used to be and I blame it on the unhealthy relationship that I was in. This marks the beginning of my new life....I will continue on with my life and be very happy...I will no longer allow any man to make me feel that way again...I have realized that I love too deeply and hold on too hard even when I just need to let go. I was staying in this unhealthy relationship for far too long and it needs to change...I need to get myself back and start living life again...

I have realized that I LOVE like I SHOULD...but LIVE like I SHOULDN'T...but that will all change from this day forward...