Dwelling...

So I hate to keep blogging about this ended relationship...but as of right now...it is the only thing on my mind...until school starts back up again...I am stuck dwelling on everything. It is not that I am choosing to sit around and dwell...it is just that unless I am doing something every minute of the day...I do start dwelling....so what am I dwelling on? Well believe it or not...I'm stuck thinking about all of the good times that we had...then as I'm dwelling on those memories...I start to question my actions and second guess myself. Like did I do the right thing by ending it? Should I have continued to stay in the relationship? Should I still be standing by his side...trying to protect him and help him make the right decision? What should I have done? These among a whole list of other things have been running through my head constantly...and I'm not sure why. Does this mean something? Or is this a normal part of breaking or ending a toxic relationship? He was my first love and we started dating our senior year of high school and have been together ever since...so it is not like I have anything else to go off of. Then...in addition to all of my lingering thoughts, I've been seeking out people to talk to and ask about what they think about my actions. So far everyone has told me that it was a good idea to end things and that I should move on and find something better because it is what I deserve, but then someone who was in a similar situation has told me that I need to be there for him and stand by his side. Is that what I should do? The only different circumstances are that she was pregnant with his child...so is that why she stood by his side? If you have kids does it make the circumstances different? Or are they the same all across the board? I know that I should feel confident with my decision, knowing that I will be moving on...but I'm not...I'm wondering if I did the right thing? To try and cope with these thoughts I would question myself but then be like no...he cheated on you and was hiding things and telling lies...why would you want to be with someone like that? I have to keep telling myself that right? I guess I'm just wondering if I should have gotten over the cheating and lies and stayed with him to be by his side...only because you hear about other relationships working out even after someone cheated on the other....so when should you stay and work on it and when should you leave? I know I am only thinking about all of this stuff because after the relationship ended I all of a sudden had an abundance of time on my hands because I no longer had obligations. I didn't have to rush home to see if he was okay and still alive...I didn't have to constantly text or call him to see where he was or what he was doing....I didn't have to make sure that he was headed down the right path...after the relationship I ended I realized exactly how much time I spent on all of the worry and questioning. I could have been using all of that time in a different manner but because I loved him...I chose to spend it worrying about him. Whether that was right or wrong...I did it. Do I have regrets or resentments? I would have to say yes as of right now....I feel like those past four almost five years were spent wasted on some relationship that I'm now thinking wasn't ever valid. Yes we were gloriously in love in the beginning...but then he fell hard and chose this path of lies and addictions and was no longer that same person that I fell in love with so many years ago. Why did I stay and not get out sooner? LOVE...it can make you do crazy things....but LOVE IS BLIND. Not until now did I ever notice how much damage he was doing to me and how much I hurt emotionally and how cold I had turned towards him. Even after everything that has happened....I do miss the relationship and I wonder if I will find the right person. And I know that there isn't a time line for life...like this needs to happen at this age and then this at that age...but to be completely honest...I feel like I am behind right now. I was in a relationship for four years and was engaged to be married to the man...and now I have nothing...no relationship...no engagement...no boyfriend...Is that crazy to think like that? Sounds crazy but that is how I am thinking...

Trying to Heal...

So lately I have been trying to accept that things are over and try and move on with my life...however...everyday people come to me with new information that I've never known which then in turn just results in me being hurt over and over again...making it hard for me to try and move on because then I start to dwell on and re-hash the past. I just can't fathom or even try to imagine how one person could be capable of hurting me so much as he has done. Everything that could possibly happen or go wrong in a relationship has happened with me. I've experienced a lot in the past four years and even though the relationship was not good...it was still four, almost five long years of my life...and it just kills me to think about how it ended and how I have to accept that he does not care. He is perfectly fine with me leaving his life and ending a long relationship. So I guess what hurts me the most is that a person can just allow someone who used to mean so much to them to just walk away...no questions asked. I mean if he did not care about me...why did he continue to stay in a long term relationship with me? Why did he ask me to marry him and buy me an engagement ring? Why did he try to get me to stay all the other times that I tried to walk away? What was he holding on to if he is able to say now that he is happy that it is over and is able to move on so quickly? I have so many questions and things that I would love to know....but they will probably never be answered. He does not want to talk and prefers to ignore the fact that I still even exist on this earth.
I was finally able to move everything out of the apartment this past Saturday. It felt both good and bad...good because it meant that I was trying to move on with my life and leaving something bad behind....but bad because I had to leave something that once meant the world to me....I had to leave it behind. I ran into him a couple of times at the apartment because he was then when he was supposed to be working. He did not say much of anything to me and the one day asked if I could come back another time because he did not want to see me. Every time I walked into the apartment...all the bad memories would come back to me and I would start crying...just knowing how much he hurt me and all the bad things that happened there. I've actually been spending a lot of my time crying lately...I don't know why, but I guess its my way of letting everything out. I guess I'm purging my body of all the negative emotions. The crazy thing is though...I can honestly say that I do not miss him....what I miss is having someone there. Even though he was not actually present most of the times because he was drunk or passed out or messed up off of something...but there was always someone there with me. Sounds odd I know...but its the truth. I do not miss him because I've come to realize that I did not like anything about the person that he turned into and I tried to spend so much time trying to change him back into the person that he was that I was blinding all of my emotions and feelings because I felt as though being there for him and helping him return to his normal self was something that I had to do. I felt obliged to do it because I was in a relationship with him. I guess I lost feelings for him awhile ago, but I felt as though it were my job and responsibility to get him better...even though it did not work. I felt as though if I were to leave that it would mean that I was giving up on him and that is not something that I do to people. I'm not the kind of person to walk away from a situation when things turn sour...but I feel that I should have in this situation because it was affecting me both physically and emotionally.
I am still so shocked though...he has moved on and is hanging out with some other girl...does not want to talk to me...and is happy that WE are over. I just have to keep repeating these things to myself so that I can stop dwelling and move forward. I know that I have been happier in the past two weeks not living with him or being with him than I have been in long time...even with all of the tears and emotional damage. I guess I'm just upset because the hurt keeps coming back and reminding me everyday...even if it is someone else telling me something new or I find out something else...I guess if I wanted to look at it in a positive light...I could be finding all of this out now as a way of preventing me from returning or trying to make the relationship work again...even though I know that I do not want it to ever work again...it has been damaged to the point of it not being fixable. I just have to get over it...but lately I have also been wondering....after all this damage and hurt and loss of trust...will I ever be able to trust anyone else...ever again? Right now I'm high doubting it...