It Is About Time!!

My Graduation Flowers From My Mom

Me and Desi After We Graduated!

Cedar Crest College

I was attempting to capture the caps...it worked out alright...

Me! The Morning of Graduation!

So Wow! I haven't blogged in FOREVER but it feels so good to be back! So much has happened since the last time and there is much to catch up on! But first....I GRADUATED COLLEGE!!!! Yes, that is right...all of that hard work and determination has finally paid off and I am now officially a Graduate Nurse! I took my boards, the NCLEX on July 22nd and PASSED!!! It was such a relief! It was so a great feeling knowing that all of my studying paid off! So I am officially a Registered Nurse! I even got my license in the mail! Wow! But as for the job....no such luck. I have been applying everywhere, but nothing. It is hard to find a job because with the economy hospitals want nurses with experience, however, being that I just graduated, I don't have experience and can't obtain experience until someone hires me!! It is crazy really to think about it. But as for now I am just working at the bank and making do. Trying to make the most of my time and everything. But boy would I really love to get a real job as a Nurse! The very thought gets me excited and my mind starts wandering to the endless possibilities. I'm just filled with so much excitement right now I can't even begin to explain it! But that is it for now! I will definitely be updating on everything, but just wanted to give a quick post!

Love, Alicia Marie

In The Pourin Rain...

To stand outside my window, throwing pebbles;
Screaming, "I'm in love with you."
Wait there in the pourin' rain,
Come back for more.
And don't you leave, 'Cause I know all I need
Is on the other side of the door.
~Taylor Swift
The Other Side of The Door

Now I See...

Sorry about the very long delay....I haven't posted in just about a month...crazy but good times lately...and I am so happy to say that I am doing so much better. School started back up in full swing on August 24th and it is my last year as a Nursing Student! I am officially a College Senior! Feels so amazing to say that and think of how much I have been able to accomplish! Not to mention everything that I have experienced and this May...I will be an RN! Feels incredibly amazing!
But on a different note...I must comment about everything else that has been going on. I feel a thousand times better and I am now able to see that everything does happen for a reason. There for awhile...I was so upset about the whole break-up and down on myself and questioning everything and blaming myself. Now I am not saying in anyway that I am perfect or that I didn't do anything wrong in the relationship...because I most definitely did...but I can honestly say that right now...I am happier than I have been in the past three or four years. No, I did not ever think that I would have been able to say that...but it is indeed true. I feel so much better...happier...any word that can describe happiness and enjoyment. I feel blissfully free and to be honest I feel that it is because I am able to focus on myself again. Sounds selfish I know...and I thought about it...but it is so true. For the past however many years...I focused all of my time, strength, energy and compassion on Chuck...I gave up everything for him and put my all into him...thinking that it was the same thing as putting my "all" into the relationship but it definitely wasn't and only now do I realize that. A relationship is supposed to be equal in the give and take department and in mine...it wasn't. He took everything from me and left me with nothing when all is said and done. Does that mean he is a bad person? No...just that there are a lot of things that he needs to work on in life.
Since the break-up...I find that I have soooo much extra time and then I started thinking about it and realized how much time I spent arguing with him and chasing him and making sure that I knew that what he was doing was the right thing...I forgot all about myself and what Alicia needed. I find that I am getting my self-esteem back and doing the things that I once loved so much...but gave up. Is that his fault? No it is not...because I was the one who let it all happen and gave up everything...but it still was a realization that I had to make. I have all this time now and I am filling it with activities that make me happy and are for the benefit of me. I now have time to completely indulge myself in my studies and make my senior year an amazing one! I now have time again to frolic and be free to do whatever I want whenever I want. I no longer have to rush home to check on him...I now come home when I want to and hang out with friends and spend hours shopping at the mall or getting a pedicure or whatever comes to my mind.
Also, it may sound so odd...or maybe I just never saw all of it before...but I feel as though a lot of positive things have been coming my way...like serendipity...I know it sounds crazy...but I just feel that a lot of good things have been happening and I have been so much happier. It is such a great feeling!
Now...is this all to say that I am completely healed? No...definitely not...it still hurts quite a bit...but instead of focusing all of my energy on something that ended...I've been focusing on moving on and forward with my life...instead of dwelling on what could have been. Sometimes I find something sitting around thinking about him...but then I stop myself and think about something else. There is no use spending anymore time thinking about him when it is perfectly clear that he is not thinking about me. I just have to keep reminding myself that I need to move forward. I'm not sure as to when I will be healed...but I would never put a time frame on it...but I just keep reassuring myself that I will indeed heal....it can't rain forever...right?

Dwelling...

So I hate to keep blogging about this ended relationship...but as of right now...it is the only thing on my mind...until school starts back up again...I am stuck dwelling on everything. It is not that I am choosing to sit around and dwell...it is just that unless I am doing something every minute of the day...I do start dwelling....so what am I dwelling on? Well believe it or not...I'm stuck thinking about all of the good times that we had...then as I'm dwelling on those memories...I start to question my actions and second guess myself. Like did I do the right thing by ending it? Should I have continued to stay in the relationship? Should I still be standing by his side...trying to protect him and help him make the right decision? What should I have done? These among a whole list of other things have been running through my head constantly...and I'm not sure why. Does this mean something? Or is this a normal part of breaking or ending a toxic relationship? He was my first love and we started dating our senior year of high school and have been together ever since...so it is not like I have anything else to go off of. Then...in addition to all of my lingering thoughts, I've been seeking out people to talk to and ask about what they think about my actions. So far everyone has told me that it was a good idea to end things and that I should move on and find something better because it is what I deserve, but then someone who was in a similar situation has told me that I need to be there for him and stand by his side. Is that what I should do? The only different circumstances are that she was pregnant with his child...so is that why she stood by his side? If you have kids does it make the circumstances different? Or are they the same all across the board? I know that I should feel confident with my decision, knowing that I will be moving on...but I'm not...I'm wondering if I did the right thing? To try and cope with these thoughts I would question myself but then be like no...he cheated on you and was hiding things and telling lies...why would you want to be with someone like that? I have to keep telling myself that right? I guess I'm just wondering if I should have gotten over the cheating and lies and stayed with him to be by his side...only because you hear about other relationships working out even after someone cheated on the other....so when should you stay and work on it and when should you leave? I know I am only thinking about all of this stuff because after the relationship ended I all of a sudden had an abundance of time on my hands because I no longer had obligations. I didn't have to rush home to see if he was okay and still alive...I didn't have to constantly text or call him to see where he was or what he was doing....I didn't have to make sure that he was headed down the right path...after the relationship I ended I realized exactly how much time I spent on all of the worry and questioning. I could have been using all of that time in a different manner but because I loved him...I chose to spend it worrying about him. Whether that was right or wrong...I did it. Do I have regrets or resentments? I would have to say yes as of right now....I feel like those past four almost five years were spent wasted on some relationship that I'm now thinking wasn't ever valid. Yes we were gloriously in love in the beginning...but then he fell hard and chose this path of lies and addictions and was no longer that same person that I fell in love with so many years ago. Why did I stay and not get out sooner? LOVE...it can make you do crazy things....but LOVE IS BLIND. Not until now did I ever notice how much damage he was doing to me and how much I hurt emotionally and how cold I had turned towards him. Even after everything that has happened....I do miss the relationship and I wonder if I will find the right person. And I know that there isn't a time line for life...like this needs to happen at this age and then this at that age...but to be completely honest...I feel like I am behind right now. I was in a relationship for four years and was engaged to be married to the man...and now I have nothing...no relationship...no engagement...no boyfriend...Is that crazy to think like that? Sounds crazy but that is how I am thinking...

Trying to Heal...

So lately I have been trying to accept that things are over and try and move on with my life...however...everyday people come to me with new information that I've never known which then in turn just results in me being hurt over and over again...making it hard for me to try and move on because then I start to dwell on and re-hash the past. I just can't fathom or even try to imagine how one person could be capable of hurting me so much as he has done. Everything that could possibly happen or go wrong in a relationship has happened with me. I've experienced a lot in the past four years and even though the relationship was not good...it was still four, almost five long years of my life...and it just kills me to think about how it ended and how I have to accept that he does not care. He is perfectly fine with me leaving his life and ending a long relationship. So I guess what hurts me the most is that a person can just allow someone who used to mean so much to them to just walk away...no questions asked. I mean if he did not care about me...why did he continue to stay in a long term relationship with me? Why did he ask me to marry him and buy me an engagement ring? Why did he try to get me to stay all the other times that I tried to walk away? What was he holding on to if he is able to say now that he is happy that it is over and is able to move on so quickly? I have so many questions and things that I would love to know....but they will probably never be answered. He does not want to talk and prefers to ignore the fact that I still even exist on this earth.
I was finally able to move everything out of the apartment this past Saturday. It felt both good and bad...good because it meant that I was trying to move on with my life and leaving something bad behind....but bad because I had to leave something that once meant the world to me....I had to leave it behind. I ran into him a couple of times at the apartment because he was then when he was supposed to be working. He did not say much of anything to me and the one day asked if I could come back another time because he did not want to see me. Every time I walked into the apartment...all the bad memories would come back to me and I would start crying...just knowing how much he hurt me and all the bad things that happened there. I've actually been spending a lot of my time crying lately...I don't know why, but I guess its my way of letting everything out. I guess I'm purging my body of all the negative emotions. The crazy thing is though...I can honestly say that I do not miss him....what I miss is having someone there. Even though he was not actually present most of the times because he was drunk or passed out or messed up off of something...but there was always someone there with me. Sounds odd I know...but its the truth. I do not miss him because I've come to realize that I did not like anything about the person that he turned into and I tried to spend so much time trying to change him back into the person that he was that I was blinding all of my emotions and feelings because I felt as though being there for him and helping him return to his normal self was something that I had to do. I felt obliged to do it because I was in a relationship with him. I guess I lost feelings for him awhile ago, but I felt as though it were my job and responsibility to get him better...even though it did not work. I felt as though if I were to leave that it would mean that I was giving up on him and that is not something that I do to people. I'm not the kind of person to walk away from a situation when things turn sour...but I feel that I should have in this situation because it was affecting me both physically and emotionally.
I am still so shocked though...he has moved on and is hanging out with some other girl...does not want to talk to me...and is happy that WE are over. I just have to keep repeating these things to myself so that I can stop dwelling and move forward. I know that I have been happier in the past two weeks not living with him or being with him than I have been in long time...even with all of the tears and emotional damage. I guess I'm just upset because the hurt keeps coming back and reminding me everyday...even if it is someone else telling me something new or I find out something else...I guess if I wanted to look at it in a positive light...I could be finding all of this out now as a way of preventing me from returning or trying to make the relationship work again...even though I know that I do not want it to ever work again...it has been damaged to the point of it not being fixable. I just have to get over it...but lately I have also been wondering....after all this damage and hurt and loss of trust...will I ever be able to trust anyone else...ever again? Right now I'm high doubting it...

HeartBroken...

So this past year has been very rough for me...with school...problems with life and my boyfriend. After many failed attempts...my boyfriend of 4 years and I had decided to give our relationship another shot because we had been together for so long...we felt that we should be able to work together and I BELIEVED him. He has had ups and downs with drugs, alcohol and identity issues but always supplied me with false promises of getting better and finding out who he really is and in the end...making our relationship better and what it used to be. However....after many lies...late nights of crying and yelling and not knowing where he was or what he was doing...IT IS OVER...once and for all...completely DONE. He broke my heart one too many times and to be completely honest...you can only waste so many tears on one person. He is no longer the person I was once dating and has not been for a very long time. He has took a turn for the worst and has ruined our relationship and brought the worst of me out. I have given my all in the relationship...always trying to hold it together and give him just one more chance so that maybe this will be the time that it works...but I can't do it anymore. Not only that...but how can a person continue to stay with someone when they no longer trust that person AT ALL! I have lost all trust in him and don't believe a word that has come out of his mouth for years. He has lied and hid stuff from me all the time and I continued to be the fool and stay. It should not be a common thing for a person to delete calls and texts from their cell phones with the hopes of hiding them or keeping them from another person...this however was my life...but I was on the receiving end. I was too blind...well maybe not...I guess maybe I didn't want to realize what he did to me or how many times he hurt me or the person that he brought out in me. I was so fun and carefree...but he turned me into a paranoid and controlling person because I felt that I had to know where he was at all times and know what he was doing...even though it didn't do a thing to help anything because he still did whatever he wanted and all along I was just wasting my precious time doing it. I would have to say though that out of everything that he has done to me...the information that I found out tonight was the most heartbreaking and painful information that I could ever find out...HE CHEATED ON ME. I have no idea as to how anyone could do such a thing to a person...but he did. I was on vacation last week with my sisters in Virginia...enjoying myself of course...with him texting me and calling me...acting like everything is normal. However...I came home on a Thursday night to a drunk Chuck...slurring his words and running into curbs and mailboxes...thinking that was bad enough...he did the same thing Friday night but got into a fight and got a bloody nose amd black eye...so why am I leading up to this point? Well because yet again he promised me the stars and said that WE would work out and then was all lovey-dovey with me all week...only to find out tonight that while I was on vacation...he got drunk and slept with some slutty, loser girl who lives upstairs in the apartment building...but then proceeded to not tell me and continue to text me the next day and act as if nothing happened. So you might be wondering how I found out? Well that is one crazy story...as is the rest of my life...So I come home from work tonight and start to make dinner as Chuck is at his AA meeting and everything is going smooth and he is acting completely normal. But then he gets a phone call to his phone and then all of a sudden a pound at the door is heard. So he goes to answer it and it is the girl that he slept with (but I don't know at the time) and she is yelling and cursing and telling Chuck that his life is over and I am completely lost...and then all of sudden she says "Yeah he cheated on you with me and he said that he doesn't wanna be with you anymore! Oh yeah and we fucked right then and there". I was just completely lost and clueless and astonished. I didn't want to believe it, but there it was...staring me right in the face...so then I ask Chuck and he is at first like "I don't know what she is talking about" and I knew right then and there that he was lying right to my face for the millionth time. He then just said that it was a mistake but didn't show any remorse at all. I then said it was over and that I never wanted to speak to him ever again and asked if he cared and all he had to say was that he "felt relieved" that it was over because all he hears from me is "bitching and complaining" and that just about killed me. How a person who I have stood by and protected and helped through everything could simply say that about someone that he has been together with for almost 5 years...I just felt like the whole thing was crazy and all a bad dream...but its not...it is very real and very heartbreaking...

So you may be wondering as to why I am sharing this here on my blog? Well that is because I will no longer allow myself to be treated that way ever again. I will not be lied to or cheated on or taken advantage of or badmouthed...I will not accept it anymore and refuse to let anyone else in my life who will do that. Yes this will probably be one of the hardest things I will ever do...but it has to be done...I have lost so much...respect for myself and self-esteem and self-worth...I am not the same person that I used to be and I blame it on the unhealthy relationship that I was in. This marks the beginning of my new life....I will continue on with my life and be very happy...I will no longer allow any man to make me feel that way again...I have realized that I love too deeply and hold on too hard even when I just need to let go. I was staying in this unhealthy relationship for far too long and it needs to change...I need to get myself back and start living life again...

I have realized that I LOVE like I SHOULD...but LIVE like I SHOULDN'T...but that will all change from this day forward...

Tis the Season for Grapefruit...

I'm not really a fan of grapefruit, but while I was shopping at Trader Joes, I found one that I thought was really pretty (I know right), so I decided to pick one up with hopes of finding a recipe for it later. Well, while browsing online for a recipe...I sliced up any citrus fruits that I had in the house and decided to make a little photo shoot. These are some of the photos...

Then after messing around a big with my camera...I decided that I better start making whatever it is that I was going to make. I was able to find a recipe for a grapefruit salad. It has a rather odd selection of ingredients...and although I didn't enjoy the outcome because I don't like grapefruit, my boyfriend thought it was amazing! Here it is!

Grapefruit Salad with Mint Yogurt Dressing

-2 Pink Grapefruit
-1.5 tbsp Extra Virgin Olive Oil
-10 Ounces Seedless Grapes with the Stems Removed
-1 tbsp Honey
-2 Handfuls Raspberries
-12 Mint Leaves, Finely Shredded
-1 Cup Thick Plain Yogurt


Directions
-Peel and segment the grapefruit over a bowl and reserve any juices that drip from them.
-Heat skillet and add 2 teaspoons of oil and add grapes. Cook over high heat to blister them slightly, shaking the pan often to cook them evenly. Add the grapefruit juice and cook until it's almost evaporated, then add honey and bring to a boil. Then tip the product into a bowl and leave to cool.
-When the grapes are cool, add grapefruit segments, raspberries and remaining oil and gently toss.
-Mix the mint into the yogurt.
-To serve, spoon the fruit salad into 4 small bowls and dollop minted yogurt on top.

And this is what you get!